I just watched 30 commercials in 30 minutes during the Fox NFL pregame show. Even when I wasn’t watching a commercial, I was still watching a commercial. No, that wasn’t a typo.

There was roughly 4 minutes of programming when they weren’t trying to sell me something.

When they weren’t showing commercials, they would have a huge Ford logo on the podium while they discussed the games ahead. If it wasn’t Ford, it was Pizza Hut or Burger King or Coors Light.

Howie Long was “Fired Up” during a segment sponsored by Burger King where he ranted about players being overworked by 2 games while the Burger King logo displayed a flame graphic in the bottom corner.

The segment that didn’t featured any sponsorship on the screen happened when they interviewed at 34 year-old player from the Houston Texans. They talked about how he copes with the pressure at his age. They showed his family too.

Wait a second. I think they were trying to show me another commercial. By selling the player, who has to overcome great odds, I might just watch the Texans game since my team doesn’t play until 4. Damn you, NFL.

That’s why Direct TV is the best deal. You pay to watch the games, not the commercials.

Wait a second. You mean, with Direct TV, I pay an assload of money to watch the games and still have an assload of commercials to watch?

God, I hate sports.

Here’s all I have to say—”They have no defense.”

Allow me to demonstrate:

Eye Doctor: You’re from Tennessee? I bet you’re a big Vol fan. They sure are having a tough season.

Me: Yeah, because they have no defense.

After that, the doctor will go on for a few minutes about how they traded this player for that player or how he went to a game and left early because it was a blowout or some shit like that. Then he’ll start asking me about my eyes and life will go on.

But, some people may go further into sports talk. Like some loser sitting my himself at a sports bar who starts a conversation while my girlfriend is in the bathroom. The “defense” comment can only work for so long. There may be another void in the conversation I need to fill.

That’s when I say, “They need to get rid of that coach.”

I don’t care what team you like, everyone hates the coach. This should make the other person gab for at least 10 minutes. By the time another void happens in the conversation my girlfriend will be back from the bathroom. Or the loser will start yelling at the TV because of a penalty or an interception or some stupid shit like that.

God, I hate sports.

Me: Congratulations on getting married to Gisele. How long do you think it will last?

Tom: Forever I hope.

Me: Hahahaha. Seriously?

Tom: Hahahahaha. Gotcha. I’ll give her the boot after she hits the wall – in about 2 years.

Me: Yeah, she’s perfect.

Tom: She is – if she didn’t have that annoying accent.

Me: So, she’s almost perfect, like your 2007/2008 season?

Tom: I guess.

Me: How does it feel to win every game except for the one that counts?

Tom: I cry myself to sleep every night and blame the defense.

Me: Life goes on, right?

Tom: Shit-fucking-no. I replay the last 2 minutes of that game 100 times a day. I faked a foot injury to get out of playing in 2008.

Me: You hosted Saturday Night Live. What was that like?

Tom: 3 fucking points. 3 fucking points. How do we win every game and lose the fucking Super Bowl by 3 fucking points.

Me: You’ve got 2 Super Bowl rings. Dan Marino can’t say that.

Tom: Yeah, but he didn’t fuck up a perfect season by 3 points.

Me: Yeah, but he lost his last game by like 60 points. I wonder what sucks the most?

Tom: Yeah, if I were Dan, I would blow my brains out. I’m going to shoot some heroin now. Would you like some?

Me: No thanks.

1. The People Who Don’t Give a Crap About the Game.  This is 90% of the people at the party. But, the Super Bowl’s a tradition and there’s a party. Might as well go. They’re all still pissed because their team lost by a touchdown in the playoffs. They’ll have a few wings, drink a few beers and leave before the end of the forth quarter because the game will be a blowout. Gotta work tomorrow. 

2. The Guy Who Only Cares About the Commercials. Shhhhh! Shhhhhh! SHHHHH! That’s him during every commercial break. I hate that guy. Kick him in the balls.

3. The One Guy Who Actually Cares About the Game. While everyone is chit-chatting about work and stuff, he’ll let out a huge “Whooooooooooooo!” and freak everybody out. For some reason he grew up in the home town of one of the teams and he has to show it off with the jersey he just bought from Wal Mart.

4. The Guy Who Doesn’t Know Anybody. Most Super Bowl parties are work or school related so everyone there kind of knows each other. But there’s always that one guys who’s someone’s friend from out of town or someone’s date. People try to talk with him about sports but soon they give up and this guy just ends up creeping everybody out.

5. The People Who Only Care About the Halftime Show.  Nothing wrong with that. Bruce Springsteen is playing this year. I wonder if he’ll make one of his boring monologues between songs like at his concerts. It will sound like this, “Growing up in New Jersey, we didn’t have a lot of money. One year my Dad bought a big screen TV to watch the Super Bowl and even though we couldn’t afford it, it didn’t matter because blah, blah, blah.” Who gives a shit Bruce? Sing your crappy heartfelt songs that rhyme “school” and “fool” so well. 

6. The Super Gay Person. Not a textbook homosexual, but the artsy person who hates sports and makes ironic humor about how absurd football and society really is.

7. The Asshole. Drinks too much. Bitches about how the commercials suck. Pukes. Starts a fight. Gets a DUI. Everyone tries to act cool about it next time they see him or her.

8. The Person Who Insists on Standing. He shows up late. All the seats are taken. The host tries to find a chair but this person would rather stand. Others offer their seat, but he still would rather stand. Usually he’ll say, “I’ve been sitting all day” or something like that.

9. The Host. Orders way too much food. Tries to give it away as people leave. 

10. The Person Who Has 2 More Parties to Go To. Usually a hot chick who’s bored so she’ll leave early and say she just thought she’d stop by because she promised a brother or friend she would “stop by” their parties too. She’ll usually end up taking at least 3 of your guests with her (usually dudes trying to get with her).

That’s all I got. Please feel free to add more in the comments section.

I was inspired to write this blog after one night when I was having a beer with my brother at an uncrowded bar. We were talking about his kids, my job, life, the dog and behind us was this guy who would let out a huge “whoooooooo” every 2 minutes. He was watching a game and wanted to make sure everyone in the bar was aware of his joy that his team was winning. I hated him so much that I started a blog about him and people like him. I’m like Taylor Swift. If you’re in my life, you’re going to end up in my songs. Only I’m not a musician so you’ll end up in my blog.  So, I’ve been going to sports bars lately to get idiots like that guy on tape so that I can post them on this blog and make fun of them. But, I can’t find any idiots like him anymore. I’m finding a new breed of sports idiot. They show up at the games. They watch the games with friends. They golf-clap when their team scores. It’s like they don’t really care about the game. But, they still go. Because what else are they going to do? We’re creatures of habit. It’s sunday. We watch football. It bores the crap out of us but we watch it because we’re sheep. Going through the motions because what kind of idiot doesn’t like watching sports?

I used to be a waiter in a sports bar in South Florida. Many of the Miami Dolphins would come in there and they were pretty nice for the most part. I used to be a huge Pittsburgh Steeler fan. One night, Mean Joe Green came in with his family. He was a coach for the Dolphins in the late 90s. He even sat in my section. I was pretty busy too. But, I went by his table, dropped off coasters and said “Hi folks, I’ll be right back to take your order.” Then the manager walks by and says, “Excuse me, are you Mean Joe Green?” And he holds up his hand in front of the manager’s face and says, “I want some service. The waiter said he’d be by in a minute, it’s been 4 minutes, I want some service.” First of all, it wasn’t 4 minutes and second, it was a Friday night and it was busy. That asshole complained about me. He was also rude all night and left a weak tip. The manager told me to offer him a dessert. I didn’t. I had him on one of my t-shirts when I was a kid. This wasn’t TMZ stalking him. This was a few people at a restaurant who wanted to be nice to him and he was a total dick. We buy tickets to the games. We buy team merch. We pay their million dollar paychecks. We love our teams a lot more than they love us.

Sports fans who wear team jerseys are like Star Trek nerds with more testosterone. No. Serious sports fans are 100 times worse than trekkies. Star trek fans dress up as Captain Kirk a few times a year when they go to conventions. Sports fans wear team jerseys, face paint, shoe polish on their car and a cheese on their heads almost every weekend. Star trek fans don’t spend 10 hours watching Star Trek on Sundays. They don’t wake up in the morning and watch Star Trek Center. They don’t read the Star Trek section of the paper every day.

And when sports fans watch 10 hours of football on Sunday (2 games, pre-game and post-game), they’re watching 5 hours of advertising. That’s right – suckers. Every time the QB or coach decides he needs to stop the clock, they go to commercial. Quit stopping the clock so much you pussies. Make a decision and go with it.

I used to love sports. I lived for Sundays when the Dolphins played. Back in the 90s, every year they were supposed to go “all the way.” They never did. Then when their superstar running back, Rickey Williams decided he’d rather hang out and smoke pot than play football – I had an epiphany. First of all – that’s the best reason I’ve ever heard for quitting football. Most pussies would say “I need to spend more time with my family.” Not Rickey. He was sick of their whole coaching strategy. The “let’s hand the ball to Rickey, let him run a few feet and then watch 10 guys tackle the crap out of him” play. Then it’s like “Is he still alive? Good. Same play.”

Rickey was like “Fuck that. Pass the joint.”

It was then I realized I cared for this team a lot more than the actual players. I turned it off 4 years ago and haven’t missed it one bit.